Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My vagina is very pro this idea
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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