after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
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