So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
