and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize