why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
did i just pee glitter
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
