An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
