Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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