Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
