The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
