sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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