hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
