I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
