i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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