with your own penis?
She's JV to your varsity
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
