Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
