Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
