Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so let's talk penis.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
