So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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