what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
