one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
