garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
