When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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