do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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