Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
