my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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