I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
