totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
