perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Less talking, more tequila
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
