just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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