No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
