I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
