While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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