They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
