I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
