i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
