you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
NoShamevember. You game?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
