His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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