please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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