I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
