woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
