now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
