Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
