he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Naked Twister starts at high noon
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
