ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
