I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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