How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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