Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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