God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
