I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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