can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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