its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
