sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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