Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
