Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
