im about as happy as oj after his trial
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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