My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
