Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
