I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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