You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
