I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
