just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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