toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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